Ten Years Ago Today...

I already posted today, but out of curiosity I went back to my old journal to see if there was an entry from Nov. 10th and found this one. Talk about how different life was 10 years ago. We were just in the middle of doing our IVF! I had forgotten all the medications I was on and all the details. Just for my own reference I'm going to copy and paste the entry I wrote back then to this journal. I had forgotten how I used to keep track of cycle days, medications, books I was reading and all of that at the bottom of each of my journal entries. Kind of fun to read for me.

 November 10, 2001 @ 18:11 Egg Retrieval Update 8:30 AM

Well, we leave for the RE’s office in 15 minutes. To say I’m a little nervous would be an understatement. I could not sleep last night at all – too anxious. I read until midnight then woke up at 1:00 am and then again at 4:00am and never really went back to sleep. My mind was just reeling. I kept imagining receiving the news that they retrieved 10 good eggs and that all fertilized and then that I was pregnant with twins! I don’t actually want to have twins right away (I’d like one first and THEN twins), but I’d be thrilled to be pregnant at all with one or two (more than that might put me in a difficult position to make some difficult choices). I even started imagining a journal entry I would write when/if I found out I was pregnant!!!

 Due to lack of sleep I’m feeling a little ‘hung over’ now with a headache on one side of my head and I’m thirsty as all get out. Of course, I’m not allowed to eat or drink anything prior to the retrieval due to the anesthesia. Oh, and Michael and I were joking around when we got up this morning about my wearing a chicken suit into the office and clucking like a chicken about to lay an egg!! :o) Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I don’t have a chicken suit, but I am going to take a long an empty egg carton and place it on the counter when I check in and tell them that I’m ready to collect eggs!!! :o) That should get a laugh at least!

 Well, it’s time for us to go. I know quite a few of you have written me wonderful supportive emails and I wanted to let you know how much it means to me. I so appreciate them. And Ev, I wanted to thank you especially for your letter about your experiences with IVF and egg retrievals. I hope with all my heart that you will be holding a baby of your own soon too! Thank you for being so open and honest with me about your experiences!!

 5:30 pm

It’s over and aside from feeling a tad bit sore, I’m feeling pretty good. I’m thrilled to announce that they were able to harvest 11 eggs!!!! I had been hoping for 8 so we got 3 more than I had been daring to hope for!! Hurray!! Granted, all 11 might not fertilize, but at least we have a larger “pool” to draw from. We won’t find out until tomorrow morning what is happening as far as fertilization goes. Now I am anxious again! LOL I guess it just won’t end, even if we manage to get pregnant, then I’ll worry about the pregnancy!!! I guess I just can’t escape worrying. But still, 11 eggs!!! You cannot believe how happy that makes me. Just one short of a dozen!

 The nurses, Dr and anesthesiologist all laughed pretty hard when I showed up with an egg carton for the egg “collection”! :o) The nurse just laughed, shook her head and said, “You guys are just over the top!” I hope that she meant that in a good way.

The surgery went pretty well from my end. First they put in my IV which went pretty well. I didn’t watch while the anesthesiologist was doing it but he seemed to get it in right away. Then he gave me something to ‘relax’ me and I could feel it pretty quick. All this time a lab technician was preparing the incubator for the eggs and taking out all kinds of instruments and tubes for the procedure. There was quite a bit of bustle in that small little room. Then after just a little more prep, they put me to sleep and the next thing I remember is waking up in one of the examining rooms and asking how many eggs they got. I was just barely awake at that point so when they brought Michael in to me, I asked them again if I remembered correctly on the number of eggs, which I did.

 So after spending a little more time on the gurney in order to wake up a little bit more, I got up and got dressed again. Then they came in with my list of medications and injections for the next half of this process!! Wow! What a list! We now have to start daily Progesterone in oil injections and I start up my twice daily Heparin injections again (oh joy). On top of those I also have to take Estrace twice a day, Doxycycline twice a day, Methylprednisolone four times a day (then go back to my regular Prednisone once I’ve finished that), Metformin twice a day and a baby aspirin once a day. The Progesterone, Estrace, Prednisone and Metformin will need to be continued into the first 12 weeks of pregnancy if I am pregnant. The Heparin will probably need to be continued throughout the pregnancy up to 35 weeks! Then I’ve got Vicoden for the pain as needed. Wohoo! So I continue to be a walking pharmacy! I just hope that it is all worth it in the end and that we end up with a pregnancy!! I won’t care about the shots or the pills as long as we get pregnant! 

Cycle Day: 11
Medications currently taking: Metformin 2000 mg, Levoxyl 125 mcg, Prenatal Vitamins, Estrace 4 mg, Doxycycline, Methylprednisolone, Progesterone in Oil 1.5 cc, Baby Aspirin and Heparin 10000
Non-prescription: Calcium 1200 mg, Vitamin E, Vitamin C
Number of Injections given so far: 104 (total since starting up fertility treatments again in June)
Feeling: Excited and anxious about the eggs fertilizing
Reading: House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III and In Vitro Fertilization :The A.R.T. of Making Babies by Geoffrey Sher, Virginia Marriage Davis and Jean Stoess
Reading via Books on Tape: Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy
Watching: Nothing

How I Got Here

Well, I set up this blog a while ago thinking that it will be my place to post hobby/home related posts, but as yet I have not written a word. I'm not sure what to do with this space, or really why I want a new space when I already have a journal that I've kept off and on (lately more off than on) since 2000. Back then I was documenting my journey through infertility and eventually parenthood. While parenthood is on-going, other aspects of my life are starting to take a more prominent position -- the focus is more on school, PTA, activities, and my personal hobbies. This is a good thing. That's not to say that the pain of infertility is gone or that thinking about it doesn't still bring back those sad and difficult times, but the pain has dulled and shifted to the back of my consciousness while new experiences and goals have grown to take its place in the forefront of my mind.

To be honest, there was a time I never thought that would be possible. I remember other people saying much the same thing and not understanding it or believing it could/would happen. I'm here to tell those of you who have struggled with infertility and won that battle, that it can and does. It would be much too glib to say "Life goes on" and yet to a degree it's true. However, life may go on, but the person you are has forever been changed. I'm sure it must be a similar experience as losing someone close to you or having survived a serious illness or tragic event. A part of you has forever been altered. Your heart has been scarred. Oppositely, you find joy in things you might never have noticed before. You appreciate even things more. You notice and take pleasure in moments of which others might not even be aware.

It is for that reason my home is so important to me. Before children my home seemed like an empty shell, or maybe it was me who felt that way, but now it is a place that shelters, envelops and embraces my family. My home is my haven. I take joy in seeing my home filled with all accoutrements that children bring with them, even if they often litter the floor, much to my frustration. My time seems more limited now than it ever was, and I'm sure that it will only become more so as my children grow. I try to focus on that and take the time to appreciate all that I have and find joy in even the small things.

So welcome to my home. Heidi @ Home